When Your Most Important Girlfriends Think He’s a Douche.

“I don’t like him.”

A few of the main girls in my life have already decided. With good reason though, I can’t exactly blame them. He did something that was super questionable and a big turn off I have to admit. But it’s hard for me to ignore him and walk away after actually getting to know him, alone. Without this, I don’t want to say act but this strong out there personality I notice otherwise. Which I get some people are just like that when they’re in the company of others. It’s just a lot for me to handle I guess because I’m the total opposite. I’m not making up excuses though, what he did wasn’t cool, and I have yet to call him out on it.

I’m just struggling with the idea of over looking this. I’m struggling with, if this part of him will continue to be an issue for me. Now I say issue as in, is he going to continue to do things in the future that when my feelings or how it sits with me should be taken into account, they aren’t. And then I have to kick myself for saying I should have known. I can’t tell the future so I don’t know if this will even become anything, but I’m not jumping into anything for the sake of it. I’d rather be alone then settle or sit here spending the whole night deciding if I like someone or not.

As much as he has a good amount of traits I find great, there are the things I’m not crazy about that scare me off. Not to mention, remind me of someone who shall not be named or even remotely mentioned and this is not a good thing.

I’m going to call him out on his shit and see what happens. I’m thankful I didn’t drop anyone else on the roster for this character.

My friends have my best interest at heart though, I have to say. I would never get mad at them or upset about giving me their honest opinion. This is my disclaimer that even though I don’t always agree or it takes me longer to see their opinion is always valued above everyone else’s. They also are crazy and stick by me even when I don’t listen anyways, so that’s great too.

The Game Changer

Man, I’m annoyed with myself for not posting on this blog more often. I really want to, I’m just struggling with not making it an all over the place mess like my last one was but still giving some insight into my life, which is well.. A mess.

I guess now is time to maybe make it a little more personal. So far it’s been the boring stuff on my journey writing, my insecurities and all that but that’s by no means all my mind is ever consumed with. There are a lot of other things, I don’t wanna say struggle with, but deal with on a regular basis. If you read my last thought catalog piece (if you haven’t, get your ass over there). That’s a pretty good summary of my mindset lately. It’s how honest I want to start getting on here as well.

Reading that over again, after totally forgetting I even submitted it gave me a huge reminder on what I want to change moving forward. That was written about someone I was entirely on the fence about for a long time, I was growing to like but still not sure of. And what do you know, where is he now? I don’t know, I can’t answer that because I haven’t heard from him in a long while. Which I’m totally okay with since clearly I saw this coming but I’ve also just plain forgotten about him. That gut instinct is the truth people.

I don’t wanna fail to mention why I have so easily forgotten about him, you know that saying only way to get over someone is to get under someone else? Yeah no, relax everyone I’m not underneath anyone else nor would I share that on here but having someone else swoop in and pretty much hit me like a ton of bricks is absolutely the best way to take your mind of someone else. That is what’s happened.

A total game changer appeared out of absolutely no where. By game changer I mean, this persons whole demeanour, confidence, approach to dating, and all of the stuff I was hoping I’d find in the other people it hasn’t worked out with, is there. Sounds great right? Wrong. It’s terrifying. Because I know, I’m not the only person to realize this and I know this person’s charm has allowed him to pretty much date almost who ever he’s wanted. That’s intimidating. Terrifying fact number two, I don’t want to fuck up this up. Obviously that’s automatic, but I really mean it. I have a way better understand at this point of what I want. So to find someone that possess these qualities with ease, is someone I’d absolutely love to keep around.

I’m going to try my best to post more often and at least update more about this.

Published on TC again. YAS

It had crossed my mind recently that I had submitted something into thought catalog and I never heard back. That’s not the first time this has happened and I didn’t tell anyone about it so I was just carrying on living life, you know. So today I get to school early before my class and I thought hey let’s go check out if anything cool is up on thought catalog because I naturally have this thought daily. Low and behold, I read an article title, and see Paula Reid below it thinking like hey, that’s my name. Wait what I wrote this. I completely forgot I even submitted it, thats how long ago it was. I check my email because obviously I hadn’t yet that day and bam! And email with a link to a new published piece. Crazy. I was not expecting that at all. It basically made my day entirely.

I’m really happy with the way it turned out as well. I can’t remember really writing it but I’m happy with what I came up with however long ago that was. Most of the excitement I get come directly from the idea of building my portfolio. Yeah it’s awesome I get to share it and people get a little more insight into my life and thoughts and I’m getting better at articulating it, but all of these little things I’m doing add up. That’s all I think about.

Oh, well if you wanted to read it click HERE

Still not used to sounding so honest, and open about this perspective of my life but whatever. I don’t have much to lose anymore. Not only that but I really want to start becoming more vulnerable and raw with my writing. I need to take into account all of the articles I read about basically bleeding out on paper when you’re writing. I want that to be second nature.

Making myself sound interesting

If you’ve read the title, just a heads up I won’t be doing that right now. I don’t have the energy and the inspriration to get into that. I just know if I want to get the internship I want this summer, I’ll have to sell myself like I’m as cool in real life as I sometimes magically think I am in my head. It’s scary that, what they perceive of me by answering “tell me about yourself” is the make or break of how this whole thing pans out.

I know I’m capable of this position and deserving of it but how on earth do I reflect that. Without sounding crazy, or like I’m blowing myself up. How do I come across genuine, honest, and charasmatic while making sure they understand that this position was made for me. In a letter. Not in a real life interview. But in a letter.

I call myself a writer right, I don’t know why the thought of this is scaring me so much but the idea of writing about myself and not a band, or something else seems incredibly difficult.

Something totally new – Live review

So I recently have been writing for the online music magazine I mentioned earlier, and the editor in chief I’ve been going back and forth with, actually asked me to review a show of a band I chose to do a review for. I said yes, not really sure what I was getting myself into, like where the venue, how it would work, if I’d make it in time but I said yes anyways and figure I would make it happen somehow. 

Thankfully it worked out perfectly cause I went straight from school and hung around till the show started. I’ve never been to a show alone, I have nothing against it. I’m just one of those people who like to have at least one person with them but I couldn’t find anyone to come with me so I went alone because I had of course committed to doing this review. I was told my name was on a list so I went to the people at the door like I knew what I was doing and told them I was with the magazine. It was the first time I had ever had or gotten to do something like that. They gave me an envelope with two strings to wear around my neck with a laminated card at the end. I felt pretty cool, I’m gonna be honest. Till I realized almost everyone there had one too but whatever, it was still a private album release party cause the album wasn’t out yet so in a sense we were all special together. 

Anyways the show was really good. I really enjoyed them. It was awesome being at the show for a purpose and taking notes on my phone and mental notes as well. It was a nice little taste of what I would love to be doing in the future. 

Standing there waiting with laminated card necklace things in the venue with other cool people from labels and what not totally made the idea of this being exactly what I want to be doing resonate with me. I couldn’t be more proud of myself for how far I’ve come and how I made this happen for myself out of thin air. I just know I want to dedicate my life to going out there and writing about new music and doing these kind of things. When I get new opportunities like this it just hits me more and more and helps dissolve all those self doubts that come every now and then. 

Hectic and Proactive

Starting September, I’ll be working two jobs hopefully writing for a music magazine and in school full time. I’m not saying this to complain because I’m so thankful for my jobs. I can’t stress enough how awesome it is to have two jobs I’m actually going to enjoy. And not to mention writing more, which I constantly remind myself how important this is to build my portfolio and gain references. Then there’s school. With only two years left, all of these things are crucial. 

I just can’t imagine having much time for anything else really. I don’t know how this is going to work, but I can only assume that with balancing it all and a life (let’s assume I have one for a quick minute) will become annoyingly hard. But it’s more exciting than anything. It’s been pretty laid back for a long time, so I’m ready to really dedicate a lot of my time to different things that are really going to benefit me. 

I’m pretty happy with the way things are going as of right now. I feel like I’m pretty focused. There are definitely a lot of times where I know I’m not. And I let my self sit there, for a super long time. But right now I’ve for sure got my shit together. Even just a little bit. 

I love the idea of knowing what I want to do, and being able to at least start in the right direction and get my foot in the door early. 

I won’t name names, but I see some people around me who I can tell what they’re thinking of doing, cause most my friends are finished school yet doing absolutely zero to get them there. Not even zero they’re in the negative, cause they don’t even realize that they should have started working already. I don’t get it at all. I feel like university needs to do a better job of making students more proactive while in school. I mean granted some programs are super time consuming and follow a strict path to a career anyway but there are others that can lead to endless possibilities. And people I know have not even dipped their toe into any of it.

It makes me a little sad. But I also don’t want to hold anyone’s hand, if they can’t realize it for themselves either. Is that mean? .. It doesn’t matter. On my end I have enough to worry about. These are just things that cross my mind, cause they’re literally people I’m relatively close with that fall into this category.

Disclaimer: This isn’t to say I’m so far ahead of them, because there are a lot of people who are much further than me. And so on and so forth. But I’m at least busting my butt to create something.  

Shameless

I just submitted an article into though catalog, and I really hope it goes up but that’s not what this post is about. It’s about what I actually wrote and the idea of sharing it with friends and family and being scared shitless. (I do have one post on thought catalog already if you want to read it, you can click here super proud of it, no big deal) It’s so much harder writing things about my personal experiences, my life, or how I feel about things because naturally there are few people who actually know about them already. So thinking of the idea of just bringing all these other people into that realm of my weird thoughts is sort of terrifying. I don’t normally care about what people think about me or anything but writing about things aside from music is a new level of vulnerability for me.

It’s something I need to work on for sure though, if this goes up. Which I’m starting to accept easier when they don’t. Although I like this one way better than anything I’ve submitted. I’ve debated not tweeting it or posting it on facebook because of this fear I’m talking about. I’m kinda of not making sense either. If I don’t care what people think of me than why don’t I wanna share it? I dunno. I keep my circle very small and sharing this feels like I’m letting the whole world in.

Submitting it alone is how I’m trying to push through it. I’d like to think I’m going to be so proud of myself I will share it with everyone anyway but who knows.

I need to be more shameless with my writing. I wrote it so people could see it. Obviously. So what’s the point of hiding it. I want my work to be noticed and heard in the future. Especially work that I’m proud of.

(side note: I don’t even share this blog. But we’ll ignore that.)

I’m trying to remember that it’s things like this that are going to hold me back from getting to where I want to be.  

New Music – 1

I’m not sure if the world is realizing how talented Jesse Ware is, like I know there is a good solid fanbase of hers that does. But on a grand scale I don’t think it’s really hitting people. My friend and I were talking about music, as usual and he brought up Jesse Ware in comparison to Adele. Sometimes I think comparisons like these are super far fetched but in this case I thought about it and I have to agree. She has an incredible strong voice but you’re not necessarily bombarded with it. It can be so subtle and subdued at the moments it needs to be, not to mention her production alone makes her stand out as an artist. The sound from this new single is definitely a sign for new things to come in her October 6th album release of Tough Love 

Everything I do

From this point on, going into third year then the summer and year that follows. Every day, everything I do needs to better my chances at getting the vice internship I’ve been envisioning for myself from day one. The only thing stopping me from getting this internship is my laziness, and maybe if they just flat out don’t like me. But that’s not possible. Kidding. It’s very possible. 

They want my resume a sample and a cover letter. To me with those three things, it’s very easy to go unnoticed. I have about a year and a half to make sure those three components are unique, outstanding, and represent this hallucination in my mind that I’m cool enough to be chosen. 

It’s just starting to hit me how close it is going to come where I will have to start applying around, and I’ve been saying this since I started school that I can’t imagine myself interning anywhere else. There’s no other option here.

Although it will be devastating not being chosen it will be a much easier pill to swallow knowing I did everything I possibly could.  

Another Music Magazine

Riot fest is coming up and the line up is probably one of the best alternative rock music line-ups I’ve ever seen thrown together, ever. Sad thing is, I don’t have tickets. Yet. Well I might be getting tickets, but I also have an even better idea. I recently applied to be a contributer to an online magazine called Aesthetic Magazine Toronto. I’ve been following them for quit a while now and jumping on board with this team could mean covering riot fest. This is a definite possibility. And I don’t think it’s a bad thing I’m thinking this way either. I need all the experience I can get right now and this is just an added bonus. I’m not exactly sure if they want me yet though, so I’m getting incredibly ahead of myself. 

But I do need to get my shit together and keep building my portfolio. As long as I’m volunteering I’m all about going after outlets that I’m personally interested in with content I care about. That is a little dig at the pressure I’ve been getting from my sibling to write for things I strongly don’t have any desire to. On that note, my next goal is getting my writing in print. 

Soon. That’ll happen soon. 

I will update on whether this magazine accepts me.